Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in dozyrozy12's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, October 30th, 2008
6:55 pm	i miss him....but idk if its worth saying something :( I'll be up on my feet someday, be happy with who i'm with and where i'm at. I'm determined. Someday... Interview on monday...really nervous. Have to be prepared to discuss a mini lesson...I don't know what constitutes a mini lesson...AH! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, October 13th, 2008
9:22 pm	shit......... I screwed up I screwed up I screwed up I screwed up I screwed up I screwed up I screwed up I screwed the fuck up and i'm not even gonna get the chance to fix it... I screwed up I screwed up I screwed up I screwed up I screwed up I screwed up I screwed up The one good thing I had...because of you i can't trust someone new.. I screwed up I screwed up I screwed up I screwed up I screwed up I screwed up I screwed up (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, September 11th, 2008
4:33 pm	ooh teaching So I began to teach this past tuesday. The school has block scheduling, meaning longer periods. I believe it is 76 minutes a block. I'm teaching first block (out of 5) right now with honoros algebra 2. I started my first lesson, i was very nervous, but I made it through. My only thing was that I ended with twenty minutes left in the period. Which sucks...cuuuuz thats no good! So I let them do their homework. My co-op said I did really well for a first day and that i'm very comfortable and i already have a connection with the students. She said that most student teachers arent as comfortable as I appeared to be and that was great. My second lesson went sooo much better. My explanations felt good and the timing was perfect. I had them do something at the end to hand in so I can see if they understood what i was teaching, and they do. I'm haing a good time. I wish I could jsut have this one class. I do not want to take on another. Well, maybe the algebra 1b. It only has the 8 kids, and these kids are really nice and I think I have formed some good relations by just helping out right now. They ask me questions, come up to me for help, and they seem sweet. I'm just afraid that i won't be able to time myself correctly with them so that they don't get overwhelmed. It appears that one topic can take up to two days to learn, and even then its kinda hard for them. So we'll see...I think i might be taking that up in about a week and a half maybe? IDK AP calc will be the last one...the one i'm most nervous about. Granted, I won't have to make lesson plans cuz i'l be using my co-ops, but i'm still nervous about it. There is also a small group and tehy are very interested in the topic and they have fun. I'm just unsure about my abilities to teach it to them. We'll see I guess... Thats about it. My baby isn't coming home this weekend...even after i worked extra hard to try and get a whole bunch done so i can see him all weekend. :( i guess i'll just get a whoooooole bunch done. I've completed about 3 weeks worth of lessons. I wanna get another 3 so that i'm really ahead when i pick up the next one. We'll see.... I do miss my social life peace out home slices Current Mood: tired (Comment on this)
Saturday, September 6th, 2008
11:29 am	serious update where should i begin? Moving out of tcnj was really sad....mostly cuz i knew i wasnt going to be returning. And its a shame that the people I talk to are rather far away. So i guess it was a good thing that i didn't become as close to everyone as i really would have liked. They are great people...but i guess it makes graduating and parting ways easier. Depressing, i know. Summer was great. I tried looking for another job, but I ultimately couldn't due to the fact taht no one wanted a summer hire. So i went full time at AMC more or less. We got a new gm there who completely turned everything around. He got rid of a lot of shitty people, and i liked him for it. However, now he increased the amount of work that we don't have time to do. He also likes to cut hours...so when the big movies came out, we were murdered. Needless to say, our gsv scores went down this summer. He blames it on us not completing the work that we were supposed to do. I'm sorry..but it was to busy. I think with the summer over and the school year starting, it won't be as busy and we can do them. I went to canada with my mom and dad. No sibings :( but i think that worked out for the better. I brought my laptop and I found a new admirer. I was slick in my ways to get the phone number so I could text him. I am pretty proud of myself if i do say so myself. Well, I ended up talking to him till about 5 in the morning every night even though i had to be up 8. And it was some of the best conversations I've ever had with someone. By the time I got home, this person that I barely had any relations with in person was someone that I had a huge urge to try and be with. Only problem was, I worked with him. He was part of the staff, and management and staff cannot date. When I found out he had similar intentions I was more than excited. We continued talking everyday and flirted like crazy at work. I was smiling all the time, i have never been as happy as I was when i thought of him or when i was with him. If i was in a bad mood, his face made me smile :) We waited until he left amc before we became official. And when he did, I was so sad...because he was leaving for school :( he goes to penn state....4 hours from my house..and with student teaching I cannot talk to him as much or see him. I have to wait till he comes home....ugh its so hard. Some days i miss him a ridiculous amount. He comes home next weekend, hopefully, and I cannot wait! I just want to hold him and kiss him :) Speaking of student teaching: I've begun going to the hs this past tuesday. I am teaching hon alg. 2, algebra 1b, and ap calc. Holy crap with the ap calc. The good thing about the algebra 1b and ap calc is that they have 8 and 10 students respectively. Which is just great :) AP calc is making me very nervous! It wouldnt be so bad if I only had half the semester and they were able to continue learning for the rest of the year, but the district decided that the ap classes were now going to be tought for the first half of the year. YIKES! So if i screw up they fail the test. ohhhh maaaaaan. The roughest part of this experience though is waking up at 5/530 in the morning. I try hard not to nap cuz if I do then I can't fall asleep at night. But i like my co-ops, and i really like the school. The students seem great and i'm excited to begin teaching on tuesday. Lets hope all is well :) Thats about all that is going on with me, i'm tired as hell and am working 60 hours a week if u include the fri and sat at amc. ITs a lot and i just hope i can keep up with it. We'll see.....miss my social life though, and mostly miss my baby...i hope he comes hope next weekend..cuz i hate long distance with a passion. :) Current Mood: loved (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, June 9th, 2008
11:54 pm	Everyone is doing it...this is definitely me (Comment on this)
5:20 pm	Why can't it work "I don't want a response to this. I will be at the park at 4 tomorrow until I leave for work at 5. I will be on the bridge. If you want anything to do with me anymore, be there" I showed up You didn't (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, June 6th, 2008
11:32 am	I've been told repeatedly that it was wrong for me....that i'll get hurt in the end...why didn't i listen? All i want and have ever wanted was to know what was going on in your mind. I was never allowed that though. I have done that so many times for you, even if it wasn't in the right way. I thought communication was key. It hurts me so much more to not get a response even if I was being a total bitch. I just don't think you realize how scared I was. I didn't want to lose you...so i just threw you away. I don't know if that was the right thing to do. And...i'll probably never hear from you anymore. Thats what bothers me, thats what keeps me awake at night, thats what i think about when i zone out. I don't even know if you care anymore...and I never got reassured. When i come at you with certain topics, you always made me feel like what I was saying was accurate and that reassuring me that everything was ok didn't even cross your mind. Why did I do this to myself? I get so consumed in what could happen that i lose sight of what is going on. Disappointment is the theme of my life.... (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 7th, 2008
11:33 am	Hard to believe.... school is almost done. Three more days and i move out...not even, if we are counting hours in about 50 hrs i will be finished with me finals and it'll be time to move out. I can accept that. Its the not moving in that is going to take a while to sink it. I'm gonna miss some ppl so much. I just wish I were graduating and didn't have to return here when they aren't here anymore. Last night I had one of the most fun nights this semester. We stole a table from the lounge so we can play cranium and durak (sp?) on it, and it was so hilarious. Steve and I kicked butt and won cranium :) that hardest part about the night was trying to get the table back out to the lounge. The way we brought it in was we had to lift it up over the closets to get it passed a certain point. Well i'm weak and i couldn't lift it up...it was too funny. Anyways, afterwards Emily, Laura, and I decided to take a flower walk. We wanted to go to the fountain at the science complex but there were ppl swimming in it already, so we just walked around by hte lakes till we hit the bamboo forest. Emily wanted to take a piece of it with her, then laura did, then they told me i was missing out so i tried to. My pieces never wanted to come off no matter how much I struggled to get it off. So I gave up, emily ended up going into the middle of it and grabbed a really big one. So I had a walking stick. But I didn't want to keep really and we were walking by the town houses so we decided to leave a present from china for the townsies in south 16. At that same time Rohan was driving by so he became our getaway car. So I left mine at an angle and laura put a piece of hers there cuz it was too big to put in the car. Once they were in the car I knocked really loudly then ran to the car and we drove off. Idk if they ever came down, but we just kept laughing. So we tried to go back to the fountain and get a picture of laura in the fountain. But once we got there we realized that laura is way to short and that she would be up to her waist in water if she went in and it was a tad too cold. So she stuck her feet in instead. About ten minutes later a groupe of about 7 ppl came running, stripping off their clothes as they ran. As soon as they saw us they like froze. But we heard them coming so we were in the process of getting away and they just jumped in. One guy was wearing this weird ass bathing suit...i can't even describe it...but it showed waaaaaaaaay too much. So yea, went back to eick and went to bed. It was a good night and i'm glad I took the day off from studying :) But its back to studying today while we sit in eickhoff dining hall for 6 hours....my friends are nut cases. I feel like i'm not gonna get anything done! lol ah well... Congratulations to all those who are graduation next friday, and I wish everyone the best of luck with finding jobs or grad school or whatever they choose to do next. I will miss everyone that I have crossed paths with and became friends with. I know only two of you read this, but don't forget about me and we must go to P.F. Chang's this summer again!! That or the cheesecake factory :) Later gators! (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, March 17th, 2008
11:46 pm	Lies I think it's time, we give it up And figure out what's stopping us From breathing easy, and talking straight The way is clear if you're ready now The volunteer is slowing down And taking time to save himself The little cracks they escalated And before you know it is too late For making circles and telling lies You're moving too fast for me And I can't keep up with you Maybe if you slowed down for me I could see you're only telling Lies, lies, lies Breaking us down with your Lies, lies, lies When will you learn The little cracks they escalated And before you know it is too late For making circles and telling lies You're moving too fast for me And I can't keep up with you Maybe if you'd slowed down for me I could see you're only telling Lies, lies, lies Breaking us down with your Lies, lies, lies When will you learn So plant the thought and watch it grow Wind it up and let it go (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, March 8th, 2008
2:50 am	A loss of ideas... I don't know what to do anymore with just about everything. I try so hard to make something work but all i end up is getting hurt...how hard is it to be happy? These past two days, i've been crying. It sounds so pathetic..but once i'm alone the tears just start coming. Well..tonight was b/c of my mom and talking about everything. Idk...that makes this three days this week and at the rate i'm going with things, i think its gonna end up being more. I've never cried as much as i have this semester. I feel like a baby. I know those who read this are gonna be concerned...i'm gonna be fine, but i have a lot of built up frustration from over the past few months that need to be released and as of right now the only way to let go is through crying. I do feel better. Lol, its sad, thinking about crying is making me tear up. Hey...maybe i'll have a good night's sleep, crying usually helps with that, right? Ugh...i just don't know what to do. People don't understand that their actions are hurting people. I need to get away from everything...for a long time. And do something that i enjoy while i'm away. I can't just sit at home, b/c then i'll be bored. I need to go away to a place, like North Carolina and sit on the beaches and read or enjoy the weather (even though it might be a bit cold). Sorry this is jsut rambling..i'm hurting inside so much. i feel foolish and like a failure at so much. I wish i had the guts to tell you how much you are hurting me...that i'm crying over you. But i don't think i'll get the reaction i intend and is therefore useless. I'm at a loss of ideas... Current Mood: sad (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 4th, 2008
11:11 am	Sorry its been such a long time...I noticed 8 weeks, yikes! Just wanted to say something real quick. As I walked through campus yesterday, crying my eyes out, it was amazing how many ppl asked if I was ok and if I wanted to talk. To me, that was something I never expected. I imagined people being so self centered these days. But in all actuality, society isn't that bad. It made me feel better to know that people want to listen who have no idea who I am. Which made me think, would I do such a thing? If someone I didn't know was just walking next to me by themselves and was crying, would I turn and tell them that everything is gonna be ok? offer a hug and ask if you wanna talk about it? I'm not sure. Granted, most the people being so kind to me were female, except one guy but I knew him. I dunno, kinda gave me hope for society :) (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 2nd, 2008
10:31 pm	Happy New Year!!! Holy crap did I have such a crazy week This being the holiday week it was sooooooo long, but very good at the same time. Quick recap as follows Christmas I ended up having off for both jobs. AMC cuz dave loves me and doesn't make me work on the holidays, Chili's is closed sooo i don't have to worry bout them. However, I was mad bored since we really didn't do anything due to the fact that AJ wasn't home yet and well...we were going to wait for that. Day after christmas was pretty busy, so were the following days...however I still didn't do squat cuz we were well staffed for those days (we were expecting a lot more) buuuut I did get to count a huge amount of money and that makes me happy :) Chili's I didn't work much since I don't do weekends. But I did have to work new years eve, which sucked and I Was worried that i wasn't gonna get out on time, buuuut I made it out by 11. I ended up getting a table of 10 that night, who ran up a $200 bill...but tipped jack shit...douches...anyways, i got out at 11, yay! Went over to my aunt's friend's hosue for the ball drop and left at about 12:05 and headed over to carolina's! AWESOME PARTY!! I got SO drunk and danced so much. I had a banging time!!!! Craziest part was me and shanah "making up". IT was more of aaaaaaah lets not hate each other *In a slurred fashion* and we pinky promised. Lol, it was crazy. But all is well, hahaha I threw up just an itsy bit, Shanah took a picture of it, haha, but then i was good! Passed out at about 5 am, but had work at 10!!! AH!!! I went to work still a little drunk...oh god that was horrible. Everyone was telling me of how shitty i looked, and i agreed cuz i knew..oye i could wait to get home and shower and change!!! I passed out at 8 and didn't wake up till the next morning for work. Oye, but it was great, i'm so happy i did something! That was my holiday week...now its back to slow days at work and a whole lotta nothing to do...kinda waiting for school to start up to give me something else to do besides working...ha... Oh! We had christmas on sunday, i got a wii :) i'm happy!!!! Peace yo! Current Mood: drunk (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 19th, 2007
11:31 pm	Moments.. Its really weird how people can notice things and change moods so quickly. It all happens in a matter of moments. Its so unexpected, yet it happens and your day could either become extremely better or it could be unbearable. In those few seconds, life changes. And I think thats something some people try to avoid...having change. Yet, its inevitable, and no matter what, you cannot have what you had in the past. It will always be tainted, will never be the same. My moment? My nametag was gone Can't blame anyone but myself. But sure put a damper on my night... In other news...school is DOOOOOOOONE!!!!!!! YES! I have a month to work my ass off, lol...that is what it has been turning out to be. I don't think i'll have a day off much....at least some days i'll be able to hang out at night. That will be nice. At least i can hope for that. I really miss some people around here...it will be an interesting break as well. Kinda curious what could develop out of it. Anyways...just randomness Current Mood: weird (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 27th, 2007
1:54 am	pain It hurts... Everything hurts... My mind, my heart... Why do people do the things they do? Say the things they say? Why couldn't we be like any other animal that exists in this world, find some random mate, make a baby, and then die? Instead, we establish relationships in which we work to make the other happy. We screw people over and then expect everything to be ok. We interact with strangers and ultimately everyone is alone. Our purpose in life has been drilled into our head: to benefit society. I don't want to benefit society, i need a fulfilling life. At the rate I am going, i'm not getting that. Why is it so hard to walk away? Why is it so easy so say things that you'll regret later? I'd rather be anything but a human right now...b/c then everything won't hurt so much...damn.. Current Mood: scared (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, November 24th, 2007
2:47 am	Quick update to my life: I'm done with mono, back at school and back at work. However, all i feel like is i'm going through the motions just to complete the semester. I can't take being there anymore. Honestly, i am terrified of going to next semester b/c I don't think i can put my whole heart into it and therefore not do well and just screw myself some more...why do I gotta fail at so much in my life? I have found someone who I think would be great to get to know better than I have...however he goes to school far away. DAMNIT! Such a sweet guy, and I love talking to him. Oye.. Weird sidenote, been getting more texts than I ever expected from my ex....wtf? Still waiting...hmmm maybe that song will work....all I want for Christmas is you...except instead of you say all I want for Christmas is officialness. New Year's resolution number one, forget about him if it doesn't happen by then. Shouldn't have gone this long..too hard to let go. Working on getting another job and trying different things out...we'll see where that goes. Emotion of the past few months: Anger. Pure anger and frustration. no matter what happens, I get mad about it. I don't like it....but thats whats happening to me. I've become an angry and annoyed person. I think part of the reason was because when I didn't have work I didn't have anything to do....and it felt like there wasn't anyone who wanted to do anything. But alas, i'm back at work and well...in a weird way I'm happy bout it b/c it gives me something to do. New Year's resolution number two: stop being so damn angry. Hmm, gotta do some apologizing. But I dont really want to. I don't think I should apologize, just want things to go back to normal. However, while she is still another big part of her life, I don't know if I can be around as much. I don't want to make her choose, so I'll do it for her. She'll be a better person anyways...I'm a screw up soooo lets leave it at that. I think if it were anyone else, I'd be ok, its just this girl is annoying as all fuck and a big ass drama queen, probably worse than that....i don't think she realizes how many people DON'T like her pompous ass. Oye, sorry, had to let it out. OOOOOOOOOK Guess that is all for the moment. Just wanted to write something after getting home so late instead of going to bed...although bed is nice...hmmm sleep...goodnight Current Mood: cold (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, October 8th, 2007
12:45 pm	FINALLY Well folks, we've finally figured it out After a hospital visit and two doctor's appointments later I finally solved the mystery behind my pain in my chest. For those of you who haven't heard...I spent last monday in the hospital for 7 hours. My lovely roommate was awesome and stayed with me. But I did a lot of bull for them to just say my spleen was enlarged and to go to my own doctor to figure out why. Yea, u suck emergency room. So i made a doctor's appointment for that following friday. I go and he tells me that the ct scan i had gotten done at the hospital only showed the top half of my spleen and he needed to see the whole thing....so basically i was going to have to wait a week or so cuz my insurance needed to authorize another ct scan. I went to work feeling horrible....and felt even worse as the weekend was going by. Sunday, i was ready to slit my throat and rip it out if that made it feel any better. Went to the doctor this morning for that reason...crying...and he checked out my throat and was like wooooooooooooow u have huge tonsils. And then checked on the bloodwork that i had gotten done on friday. Conclusion: moderately severe case of mono that has effect my spleen and liver, and possibly given me strep throat. Awesome. So i get to miss two weeks worth, maybe more, of classes and work. Which kinda sucks...mostly cuz i'm now stuck at home with my mom and dad doing absolutely nothing. I'm going to go crazy. So for those of you who still read this...please IM me or something while i'm online, give me suggestions of what i can do while laying in bed all day. See everyone in two weeks! Current Mood: sick (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, May 25th, 2007
4:12 am	I quit I quit at trying to be a friend, because apparently everything I do is not good enough. Thats not even the right way to say it. No matter what, you aren't going to be happy, and i don't get it. Really, its ridiculous. Yea, you want me to see it from your perspective, and I do, but I still don't get it. Why is it that after EVERYDAY, not just once in a while, but EEVVEERRYYDDAAYY there has to be SOMETHING that upsets you??? How come you won't let me live my life without this unnecessary stress??? Why can't we just be friends like we were in the beginning instead of this stupid bull. You know what comes next. You will make some comment or write something SOMEWHERE for me to read to make me feel guilty and don't deny that thats something you don't do, b/c you do. Read what you write sometimes. I can see where everyone is coming from when they tease about acting like a married couple....damnit In other news: ~pirates wasn't as bad today as i thought it was going to be, only thing that sucked was being there till 3 in the morning. But i had a lot of fun at work :) Overtiiiiime WOOT! ~Tomorrow is my neighbor's wedding. Its sad b/c then he'll finally be off the market and I will never have my chance, boo ~Naruto sold out.....but Mike bought me a ticket, he's such a nice guy! :) ~I love you muchly! :) bleh...its 430am, i need to go to bed....g'night (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, May 14th, 2007
1:38 am	I'm Home Thank god :) Current Mood: happy (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 8th, 2007
10:05 pm	I told you I was happy....but I'm really not I told you that it was ok...but its really not I lied to keep you happy...but i don't think i can do that for much longer I have put you before a lot of things...but I don't know if i should do that for much longer We call it secret...but really, it feels like one big lie. I hold my tongue cuz I dont want things to change...but I think its time If it ends in disaster, then thats the way it is...but I'll really know what i mean to you I NEED change Current Mood: aggravated (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, May 4th, 2007
3:44 am	Maybe when it comes to you I am a bad friend...I dunno. I try to make things work but then there ALWAYS has to be something wrong. Why can't there be one day that we get to hang out without there being awkwardness at one point or how bout after a good day i don't receive a message of some sort telling me that while we were out i did something wrong. It would just be nice to think that you had a little bit more faith in our friendship. guess i'm going to end up like all the others cuz you refuse to let things be. I always thought of myself as a good friend; i listen and i gave the best advice i could. I'd sit there while you cried and tried to make you feel better, i always took care of you when you couldn't take care of yourself. Besides that one time, this ONE TIME, i always ask if you are ok when you look like that. It just insults me when you think that i don't care. Then there is you...who I never know if you are serious or not...i don't know if i should say something cuz everytime I do you get upset...thinking about that it sounds a bit hypocritical, but in this case i just want to know if you are serious and not talk crap.. and you...worst of all...I still feel like i'm not good enough. I want to say this to your face, buuuuut i don't want to feel bad like i do everytime b/c i get why it is the way it is, but damnit...its not what i want at all and i'm not content with it in the least bit. School is almost done and i'll be out of this area and back at home. I've needed this for a long time. I misss home. I miss my friends from home. I miss my family, my bed, my cats. I miss the randomness that could occur at 3 in the morning with someone who is interested in going to the diner cuz we're bored. Or random drunkness just cuz we can do it. I just need to see them and get away from here for just a little....bu i'll be working.and therefore i'll be at work on the days they are all freee..which means i don't get to see them...maybe i need a new job? hmmmm I just need change Current Mood: annoyed (2 Comments |Comment on this)